👋 Good morning! ‘Great Teams Better Leaders’ is written by Greg Berge. Have an idea or something to share? Just hit reply. I read and respond to every message.
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💭 ONE THOUGHT
Why Isn’t My Kid Playing?
Most coaches dread this conversation.
They see the parent's name on their phone, and their stomach drops. They rehearse their answer in the car. They walk into the meeting hoping it goes okay.
That's the wrong starting point.
The coaches who handle this best don't hope. They prepare. And the ones who prepare almost never get blindsided.
I have had a few of these ‘parent calls’ early on in my career, and they are not easy.
I had the phone call on a Saturday morning before the season started from the parent, who was wondering whether their son (who was ineligible to start the season) would be the ‘starter’ once he became eligible.
I had the player who quit early in the season. I gave him a day to think it over. He still quit. We moved on, and a few days later, he wanted to come back out. His dad was a school board member. I held my standard.
And others.
I have heard and seen many horror stories from other coaches in our school, our region, and beyond.
Here's what I learned after 30+ years of coaching:
The playing time conversation isn't a crisis. It's often a communication breakdown that started weeks before the parent ever knocked on your door.
Most of the time, the parent isn't wrong to be upset. They just don't understand your standard. And that's on us as coaches and leaders.
The Problem isn't the Parent. It's the Gap.
When coaches don't communicate their criteria clearly and early, they leave parents to fill in the blanks. And parents will always fill it in with their own version of the truth.
Their kid works hard. Their kid shows up every day. Their kid deserves more minutes.
They're not lying. They just don't know what you know.
Close that gap before the season starts, and the conversation almost never happens, or at least becomes much easier.
How Great Coaches Get Ahead of It:
1. Define your criteria before day one.
What actually determines playing time in your program? Effort? Execution? Defense? Decision-making under pressure? Whatever it is, name it. Write it down. Share it.
If you can't explain your standard clearly, you can't defend it fairly.
2. Say it early and say it often.
Tell your players at the first practice. Put it in your parent meeting. Repeat it at mid-season. The coaches who communicate their standards consistently are the coaches who rarely get challenged on them.
Parents can disagree with your decision. They can't argue with a standard you laid out in September.
3. Walk into the meeting with the player's development, not the parents’ feelings, as your north star.
This is the shift. When a parent asks why their kid isn't playing, your job isn't to defend yourself. Your job is to tell them exactly what their kid needs to do to earn more time.
Specific. Honest. Actionable.
What to Actually Say:
When a parent asks, "Why isn't my kid playing?" here are three phrases that work:
"Here's exactly what I'm looking for at that position, and here's where [player] is right now."
"I want [player] to succeed here. Let me tell you specifically what that path looks like."
"My job in this meeting is to give you the truth, because that's what actually helps your son/daughter."
Notice what all three have in common. They stay on the player. They stay on the standard. They don't get defensive, and they don't apologize for the decision.
The Bottom Line:
You can't control what a parent brings into that meeting.
You can control everything that happens before it.
Set your standard. Communicate it early. Walk in prepared.
The conversation will never be easy. But it doesn't have to be something you dread.
Before you answer "why isn't my kid playing?" - answer these first:
Do you lay out all of your expectations clearly at the beginning of the season
Are your standards for playing time known by all?
Do you define the roles for all of your players on your team?
Do you celebrate all roles on your team?
Be great!
Greg
P.S. The playing time conversation is just one of the situations the Parent Communication Playbook was built for.
It gives you a clear system for setting expectations before problems start, scripts for the tough conversations, and a framework for handling whatever comes through the door. $49.
Grab it here:
📜 GREAT QUOTE
“Where there is a void in communication, negativity fills it.”
🔗 LINKS FOR LEADERS
🎥 Video: Dealing with Playing Time by Dr. Alan Goldberg [LINK]
🆇 ICYMI: Pat Summitt: Do your best [LINK]
📰 Article: That Jersey Wasn’t Made For You
👀 LOOKING FOR MORE?
My website has all my products and resources → gregberge.beehiiv.com.
Contact Greg for a Culture or Leadership workshop for your team or school.
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Contact Me: Greg Berge, [email protected]